(no subject)


it's been a while...

my life is completely different since the last time i updated. i moved off the mountain and into a house in north hollywood with adam. i'm financially failing at being an adult. and lack inspiration to form any tangible product out of the creativity coursing through my brain parts. i'm losing my hair.

i was a featured background actor in a movie starring tom hanks and emma watson. i bought a car and then lost said car and bought another car and just payed $1300 that i don't have to fix it. i joined a competitive karaoke league. i work at kohl's again in the shoe department. i still see my mountain friends frequently. i love wearing sweaters and have started drinking more tea. coffee still makes up for all of the water that i don't drink. i still eat fairly healthy. but i haven't worked out in a year. rock climbing hasn't been a thing either. i just applied to go back to college. i'm trying my best to figure it out.

i just browsed this thing for the past hour. it reminded me of who i was and where i've been and all the dreams i had of making it here. and now here i am. and i still have no clue what i want and know exactly what i want all at the same time. and i'm slowly coming to realize that no one ever really makes it. and despite appearances, everyone is just as financially fucked as i am, and really, even more so. life still has its beautiful moments. i stopped appreciating them. i need to start.

i think i may be back for a while. just until i sort every out again. just so i can remember these lessons so the things i learn are here for when i forget them.

love always,
matthew

(no subject)


well lookie who found his way back :).

life has been crazy, busy, stressful, and beautiful all at once.

i had the third wedding in mid-october. amid the tears, countless shots, endless bottles of jack, dancing the night away, the hora, prying open an elevator at the threat of arrest, and a cluster of friends, it was a beautiful, but short weekend.

work has been good. the staff this year has such a great heart, but the maturity and work ethic as a result of the lack there of, has been a challenge. we fired a guy named brandon, who in turn is trying to sue us. he was absolute garbage when it came to the job, but i'm sad that this turn of events has stinted his character for me as well. because sometimes, bridges get burned, and you can't repair the damage.

i spent thanksgiving on the mountain this year. for the first half of the week i was terrified of being axed to death by a mountain murderer. i holed myself up in a fort in the living room with a knife, hah. i forget how paranoid and weird i am since i don't spend much time alone. for the second half i went to sequoia national park with adam, and nearly died several times, while having all the feels in the world. it was breath-takingly beautiful, and a great adventure to share with such an old friend. we the holiday parties last weekend. my secret santa got me the most wonderful sweater. i've also decorated the house this year, hanging lights, tinsel, and putting up a charlie brown christmas tree. i love having the holiday cheer back after working too long in retail.

the roommate situation hasn't been the best this year. jukes and i will always be brothers, but willow and i haven't been on the best terms. we decided not to invite him back for work reasons, despite him being a great teacher, which i think has helped our personal relationship too. he just had a lot of growing up to do. this weekend is his last weekend here. we had a really good talk at the bar, which was nice. i'm glad we're ending on good terms. river and karter flew in to help out this week, and jared is back from south america. it was good to reminisce with people who have helped make this place my new home.

i have interviews for new cabin leaders this week. last week i taught, assistant directed, and was the medic. it was the most stressful and crazy week i've ever experienced, but i loved the challenge. i'm excited to be growing more as a leader this year. i hope i do it justice, and make this staff proud.

i think i found someone. really, things have just kind of unfolded into being more than friends. we semi-hooked up drunkenly one night. i don't remember much. but the following weekend it happened again while we were sober. there's a lot of uncertainty here. but i can still feel their whisper on my lips. we'll see what happens, i suppose.

i'm spending the christmas break alone on the mountain this year. i hope i don't get axed this time either.

love always,
matthew